My Life is FUBR
At some point in every day, usually when I first wake up, I will have the thought that I have irrevocably fucked up my life. In fact, to call it a thought is like calling a Great White Shark a...
View ArticleI Almost Called CPS On Myself
CPS stands for Child Protective Services, for those of you who don’t know, and represents the goodly authority that monitors whether children are being abused, promptly removing them from the homestead...
View ArticleThe 10 Worst Things About Being A Separated (Co-parenting) Mom
1. You miss them when they’re with the other parent, but dread having them back, because when you do, you will be doing it ALONE (alone, alone , alone…) 2. No one to back you up when you’re...
View Article20 Reasons You Might Want To Skip Becoming A Parent
1. The laundry that one child generates until they leave home, if laid end to end, would stretch as far as the Great Wall of China. Do you want to wash the Great Wall of China? 2. You will spend around...
View Article10 Reasons To Consider Becoming A Parent
1. Kids are cute, even the ugly ones. They go to sleep cute, they wake up cute, and they emanate cuteness from every pore, cute little fuckers*. 2. You will love them and that love will expand your...
View ArticleMy Ovaries Wrote This
I’m at my ObGyn’s office and there are pregnant ladies glowing all over the place. And this is Santa Monica so their pregnancies are perfectly accessorized. Also there are babies. Everywhere. And...
View ArticleA Jewish Christmas
Last night the kids and I went to a friend’s house for Christmas Eve. I was disproportionately grateful to be included, because I still see myself as the lonely waif being ostracized by Australian JAPs...
View ArticleHow To Do Laundry After Divorce
1. Wait ten days until the basket is overflowing and you’re down to wearing colors that didn’t look good on you in high school. 2. Procrastinate a few more days. (The same way you waited too long to...
View ArticleThe Ten Hottest Malibu Moms – 2015 Edition
In honor of Mothers’ Day, here is my pick for this year’s list, perhaps one day to be as iconic as Mr. Blackwell’s Best Dressed, without the old white guy who’s dead part. The Pacific Ocean may breed a...
View ArticleThe Wrong Kind Of Hump Day
This morning on the way to school, I was so rarely happy with my kids that I took a selfie at the lights. Big. Mistake. Not only was I hideously unattractive in a getting-my-mother’s-jowls kind of way,...
View ArticleI’m Going To Masturbate For You
Introducing a very special V-Day Promotion for your V. For the week before Valentine’s Day, I’m going to be road testing and blogging about a different sex toy every day. That’s right, because I’m a...
View ArticleThe Get You In The Mood Vibe
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a… what is it? Last night I didn’t feel like masturbating. At. All. I spent the entire day at the baseball field with my kids, and by the time I got home, cooked dinner...
View ArticleElectro Slut
You want me to what?Photo by Ray Mickshaw Let me start out by saying I am not comfortable with electricity. I scream if I get a static shock and a balding chord is enough to make me throw out an...
View ArticleIf Depression Were Cancer, I’d Be Getting A Lot More Attention
I have suffered from depression since I was roughly seven years old and yet depression is still not treated as what it is, an often curable but sometimes fatal progressive illness, just like diabetes,...
View ArticlePMS Equals Parenting Minus Sex
The week before my period is a great time creatively. I have lots of brilliant ideas and even remember some of them. I can re-organize a closet or decorate a bedroom. I can do anything as long as it...
View ArticleThe Ten Hottest Moms In Malibu
Malibu is known from Des Moines to Dublin to Dubai for being where the beautiful people frolic, but many of them are not famous. There are so many MILFs in Malibu, narrowing it down to just ten was the...
View ArticleOpting Out Of Mothers’ Day
It’s always helpful when Hallmark can give us a clue about whom to appreciate and when. Oh is it time for that one day a year when we acknowledge mothers? Nope, no, it’s next week. Don’t do it today,...
View Article7 Things I Never Knew About Parenting (But Have Learned The Hard Way)
1. It’s awful because you love them. If you didn’t love them, you could leave out a food dish with a little water bowl, and let them fend for themselves. Instead kids are more high maintenance than a...
View ArticleNew Words For The Oxford Dictionary
1. Traumacated- the feeling when you realize that you haven’t achieved what you set out to in life and no medication can fix it. 2. Tinderlie- the bullshit a guy says to get laid that you will believe...
View ArticleMagical Properties Possessed By My Vagina:
1. Orgasms- single, multiple and consecutive- look ma no hands. 2. Bird calls. 3. Homing device for dysfunctional men. 4. Nuclear reactor. 5. Keeps legs from floating away (not too familiar with...
View Article10 Most Depressing Things About Having Kids
1. When they’ve hurt themselves and you can’t do anything other than sit there ineffectually holding ice while they look at you with accusing eyes (as if you made them fall down.) 2. They reflect all...
View ArticlePlease Buy My Book
Many of you have read my blog for years and told me what a difference my writing has made to you. Right now my memoir “I’ll Be The Death Of Me” is only 12 bucks and change, it took me many years to...
View ArticleI Hate My Life
To be fair, it probably wouldn’t matter what kind of life I had; I would probably hate it. Whether a Sherpa in Tibet, or a princess in Abu Dhabi, I suspect my brain would still tell me everything is...
View ArticleOur Jolly Trip To The Pediatrician
My two sons, aged 9 and 10, are currently in “conditioning” for tackle football, to prepare them for their first ever season. They get yelled at, run around like maniacs and bash each other with giant...
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